THE ADVOCATE V O L . 7 5 P A R T 5 S E P T E M B E R 2 0 1 7 681
firm. No reasonable person would seriously consider such a possibility but
the rumour made its way around the firm and festered for about three
The Truth Squad was closing in. The nondescript packages were traced
to my office. No one knew what had been in the packages and I explained
it was a personal health-related product that I bought over the Internet.
Everyone, including the Truth Squad, thought I was buying some sort of sexual
enhancement drug so no one had the nerve to question my explanation
or challenge my virility. Ultimately, I had a choice to either confess or as
captain of the ship weather the storm. I am not good at confession or, as I
call it, confusion so I chose to weather the storm. There were some noteworthy
squalls but I persisted. Once it all settled down, I engineered one of
those professional mid-life crisis scenarios with a drizzle of clinical depression.
I resigned from the firm unscathed and unrepentant. There was the
going away dinner where I was given the jade orca whale with the barometer
in the stomach and a new set of golf clubs. But what was I going to do
I got a job as general counsel to the Columbia Coffee Cartel. Their North
American sales office was located in Vancouver because we have the highest
per capita coffee consumption in North America. Who would have
guessed? “Caffeinegate” was relegated to law firm folklore and eventually
found its way into the trash heap of conspiracy theory. I will take the caffeine
conspiracy to my grave … It’s not personal, it’s just business.
t t t t t