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May Advocate 2017

THE ADVOCATE V O L . 7 5 P A R T 3 M A Y 2 0 1 7 383 THE SPARKLING WATER COLUMN By Derek LaCroix, Q.C.* (As Imagined by D. Michael Bain) “I threw an etiquette party and served nothing but beans and sparkling water. The topic of conversation was ‘excuse me.’ ” —Bauvard There are few greater pleasures in life than judging your lunch or dinner companion based on the water she chooses. “Sparkling or still?” is the New- World cry from one of the three or four servers assigned to your table as you grab something across the street from the courthouse having been bumped to the afternoon chambers list. “Agua sans gas” is the response of your cowardly guest. Trying to sound sophisticated, she has just opted for a cloudy glass of something tepid and straight from the faucet. She has failed in your eyes, and you must lunch with someone else next time. There is only one answer to the first question on every server’s lips, and that is: “Sparkling, please.” You would be surprised how many people forget the “please”. The key, though, is in the word “sparkling”. It instantly brightens your otherwise dull day to use a word like “sparkling”. If wearing your emotions on your sleeve is not your thing, you can ask for “club soda” or “soda water” or even “seltzer”, but really you want “sparkling, please” because “fizzy water” just sounds stupid. One of the brightest threads in life’s rich tapestry is an effervescent glass of H2O before and during a meal. Try to say the word “bubbles” with an * Derek LaCroix, Q.C., is the executive director of the Lawyers Assistance Program. While Derek gave his consent for us to misappropriate his name, he otherwise had nothing to do with this article, which amazingly enough contains only factual information as well as a few silly musings from your humble editor.


May Advocate 2017
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